


It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you...

by clairina



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-02
Updated: 2013-12-02
Packaged: 2018-01-03 07:08:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clairina/pseuds/clairina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It gets under your skin and lives inside you, <br/>and you can’t run from it, you can’t hide. <br/>It finds you, and traps you, <br/>it grows over your soul like an encasing vine <br/>and it stays with you, you can’t get away from it.<br/>It’s like being in a room with 30 radios going all at once, <br/>on full volume, and you can’t turn them off, nothing stops it.” </p>
<p>inspired by the recent events we all witnessed and barely survived.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you...

It wasn't like he could pretend that he didn't know what day it was. There was literally no use in even trying. Because he had marked it in his calendar about nine months ago. And there it was. The little pop up thingy lighting up in the corner of his phone telling him that the day had come and it was _**hometime xxx.**_ But what was he supposed to do with that stupid information now? Was staying in bed all day an option? Because if so he would definitely be taking that one. That was the one thing he was sure he couldn't mess up even if he tried. Although the dog probably wouldn't be too delighted to stay in all day. But what did she know? She wasn't even close to having as many horrible problems as Nick had.

To start everything off there were three texts on his phone waiting to be read. Two of them he didn't have the guts to open yet because they were from Harry and he already felt his insides shrink up in _that_ way. He hated it and he didn't want to go back to feeling it because he had been over it. He had been over feeling stupid and helpless and all that. He had been in a perfectly fine relationship for the first time in his miserable life and it had been so great. No. It _was_ great. He still was in that relationship. With the most gorgeous and loving and understanding person that had ever agreed to committing to him and accepting all of his horrendous traits and fucked up patterns of screwing up. And just thinking about _that_ conversation a few weeks ago made him slowly forget the stupid nausea that had been creeping up his spine. Remembering how he had told Nicco to back out before it was too late and how he knew that he couldn't see Nick's bad sides yet but that he eventually would. And if he didn't then Nick would most definitely get bored with him and feel trapped because he was stupid and it always happened and he did not want to do that to Nicco because he actually liked him way too much. But more importantly than remembering his part of the conversation he thought back to Nicco's which was just a simple but pretty effective _okay._ And as fucking simple as that word was the conversation came to an end. Nick didn't know anything to say against that because first of all there was nothing he could say against _I know your flaws and the risks I am taking here but I don't give a fuck._ And second of all, he didn't _want_ to say anything against that. He didn't know exactly what it was that he felt like because it had never actually happened before. It might have been a mixture of trusted and accepted as what he was but he was too distracted by feeling it to make up his mind about it. And just like that Nick felt _normal_ again. Well, what had become normal to him. And the sickness was gone so he opened the first text.

 

_Nicco 09:21: mornin babe :) off to manchester. didnt wanna wake u. have a good weeknd. xx love u!_

 

Right. He was gone for the whole weekend. Which brought Nick to his initial problem and the other two texts on his phone that were waiting to be read. Why was he being such a pathetic loser about this? Nicco was his boyfriend. Harry was his friend. That was back home and probably wanted to hang out. No big deal. He had loads of friends that he hung out with. Incredibly hot and perfect friends. That he had fallen head over heels for and hooked up with way too many times and pretty much lived in a relationship with without calling it one. There was nothing wrong about any of this if he just kept telling himself that. It was over. They were done with that. They had both agreed on it during Fashion Week when Nick had told Harry about Nicco. And Harry had tried his very best to look happy for Nick and smile and tell him to make it work but aside from being a terrible liar in general he was just an open book for Nick. There was no emotion or thought inside of him that Nick didn't know and that didn't make the whole _I'm so happy for you and your boyfriend_ thing much easier. But maybe that had changed. Maybe Harry had gone from desperately needing Nick to be there and take care of him to actually just wanting to catch up with a friend. That was a possibility and he was going to talk himself into believing it until proven otherwise.

 

_Harold 09:11: nick :)) no present for alexa! need shopping. come and give ur professional advice?_

 

_Harold 09:11: i'll pay for lunch! and drive. got bangerz in the car._

 

Typing his answer he caught himself smiling at his phone like the fondest fucking fool on this planet and immediately stopped when he noticed. God, he needed to get a fucking grip. Maybe take a shower first. That would probably be a step in the right direction before he would have to face Harry picking him up at 10.30.

 

\- - -

 

It had taken them exactly two seconds to go back to being Nick&Harry. Two seconds to go from friends hanging out to buy a present for another friend to Nick&Harry. Nick didn't even really know what it meant but he knew it was obvious if you looked for it. It wasn't anything forcing itself onto you if you didn't want to see it but if you watched them a little closer there were a few too many subtle touches that would've been completely unnecessary and expressions that you didn't look at your friend with. Nick knew that. He knew he was staring at Harry browsing through a rack with shirts a little too fondly and that he wasn't supposed to know which shirts he liked without actually being able to see his face. But he did and he couldn't stop. He was completely incapable of turning his Harry-senses off. It was like telling someone to stop thinking. They can't.

“Nick? Nick! Nicholas.”

“Mh?”

“Going to try this one on, yeah?” Nick examined the grey tee in Harry's hands and just nodded before watching him toddle off towards the changing rooms. Okay. He might have zoned out a little. Looking at nothing in particular actually. He hadn't even looked anywhere he wasn't supposed to. He'd just been a little distracted. Maybe tired. Nothing to even waste a thought on. So he rather decided to fill the gap of waiting for Harry with replying to the latest text he had gotten from Nicco.

“What do you reckon? It's too tight, innit? Like...dunno. Shoulders are too tight.” The red curtain Harry had disappeared behind a few moments ago was pulled open and revealed an awkward Harry in the grey tee he had picked out in turns pulling on the hem and neck to adjust the fabric but he was right. It was too tight and looked ridiculous like that. Harry Styles looking ridiculous in something. Was this even real?

“You look like Hulk, popstar. Proper laddy. Gonna turn green next?”

“Heeeey...'s not funny. I really like it. Grab me a bigger one, please? I'll be waiting right here for you. Can't go out like this...look ridiculous.” Nick couldn't help but grin because he did look ridiculous and he obviously felt like it as well watching Nick walk off to the rack to grab another one in a bigger size. Once he returned the curtain was closed again and he heard Harry quietly coughing behind it before he squeezed his body past it to hand Harry the shirt.

“Here you go, love. Super large for my big-” Of course he had taken the too tight shirt off. What had Nick expected? He had seen him naked before so a bare upper body shouldn't have been throwing him off like that but it kind of did. “...boy.” It was no secret that he'd been working out and it sure as hell was no secret that it was showing. But somehow it still threw Nick off completely and made him stare like a complete idiot for a short second before he could look up and away from that sight. Which to be honest wasn't much better because _of fucking course_ Harry's eyes were on his as he took the tee and they looked _apologetic_? For what exactly? Having a decent body? Showing it off? Or for making sure to brush Nick's hand with his when he grabbed the fabric? Which again was totally and completely unnecessary. As was biting his lip. And once again Nick felt the familiar helplessness. It wasn't a bad helplessness. Not at all. But he was completely and utterly at what or whoevers mercy and wasn't able to control the path his mind took in that moment. He was sure it was some kind of virus or whatever. A parasite that had lodged itself in his brain two years ago and now reigned over his whole body.

 

\- - -

 

 

“Why don't you just wear the bloody shirt you bought this morning, Harold? What'd you buy it for if you don't wear it? You paid forty fucking quid for a plain grey tee and now you are looking through my closet?” Nick himself had been dressed and ready to go about half an hour ago which was still rather new to him. Normally it had been like : want to leave at 6? Be ready and good to go at 6.15. But ever since he had pretty much lived with Nicco he actually arrived at parties when he was supposed to. One of the little things Nicco had improved about him without even actually trying to at all.

“Not feeling like that tee today. Your stuff's much better. I like this one.” Harry was holding up a fucking grey tee with one single white stripe on it.

“Are you kidding me? That is a grey t-shirt, Harold. Much like the one you bought.” This was the most Harry-like thing he had witnessed today. And there had been a lot already. So just like Harry always would he pulled the biggest goofy smile in history before shrugging and taking off the jumper he was wearing.

“Not the same.” Nick didn't properly understand the muffled words through the fabric being lifted over Harry's head but he didn't really need to. He knew the words without hearing them so he just watched Harry once again exposing him to his naked body. Some people might have been convinced that he did it to provoke Nick or something. To seduce him or claim him back or show what he was missing by having a boyfriend but Nick knew that thought hadn't even crossed Harry's innocent mind once. He didn't do things like that. That was Nick's job normally. Harry was just being comfortable and at home and his half of Nick&Harry. So now he was standing in front of Nick. Grey tee hanging off his shoulders in the way all of Nick's things did with one subtle change. He was filling it out way better than he had before. It wasn't as big anymore. It wasn't that obvious that he was wearing somebody else's maybe a little too big tee. And as stupid and ridiculous it was but Nick felt strange about that. He felt strange about seeing how Harry had changed since the last time he had been standing in front of Nick's closet wearing a jumper of his and tugging at the sleeves that had been covering his hands a bit. He had grown up and Nick could see that. Not only had their last few encounters felt more mature and grown up on Harry's side but now Nick could see it. He had actual physical proof that Harry had changed. And he definitely shouldn't have felt like this but maybe he was a little proud. “Don't like it. 'm gonna try this one.” And off that grey shirt went and once again bare chest. This time Nick couldn't help but look at the new inks that were covering Harry's skin that he hadn't touched yet. And as he let his eyes wander over the black rose and that ridiculous skull thing he caught himself thinking stuff he shouldn't have been. He wasn't supposed to wonder how it felt to graze the skin where the ink was. He wasn't supposed to remember the countless times he had done it whenever Harry had come home with another drawing engraved in his milky skin.

 

_**\- - -** _

 

„ _ **If this room was burning I wouldn't even notice....“**_

 

 

“Grimmmmmmmmyyyyyy, let's make steam!” Initially he had been in a serious conversation with Aimee about who had watched which dog more over the last few months and was therefore the better friend but he couldn't really ignore Harry's croaky call from behind him and as he turned around and spotted him with a bunch of ice cubes in his left and the toilet teapot they had bought earlier in his right he didn't really give a shit about their conversation before.

“Make what?” Yes, he knew Harry and his at times rather simple mind quite well but right now even he couldn't connect Harry's words with his actions. He blamed that on the alcohol.

“Make steam. Like...you put ice in your mouth and I hot water in mine and then we kiss and there's steam.”

“What are you talking about, popstar? That doesn't work. Aimee? That doesn't work, right? You are smart, tell him it doesn't work.” He couldn't really imagine it would because... why would it? There was no steam when you put ice in your hot drink, right? Although...was there? Who put ice in hot drinks?

“Actually Nicholas, it does... and you have to keep kissing until one of you chickens out because your mouths are full of it and you are pussies who can't keep their shit together.” Aimee explained in her factual but very drunk voice while Nick could watch Harry's grin getting wider with every second as he shoved the hand full of ice in Nick's direction.

“Come on, it's meltiiiiing.” Well, who was Nick to deny such a scientific experiment, right? So he gave in to the whiny popstar in front of him who was already guiding the teapot to his lips and held his hand under the one in front of him feeling the icy water drops on his skin. And as he leaned forward to get some of the ice into his mouth he heard voices around them already cackling and before his lips finally touched the ice there were flashes of about a million phone cameras in his eyes. But from that point on Nick's perception of the things happening around and with him was really really blurry and just a big mess he wasn't able to sort out. Because in a matter of seconds he had his mouth full of ice and looked up to find Harry with gleaming eyes waiting for their exchange of the goods in their mouths. And then they did and that was it for Nick's mind.

The excited laughter of all of their friends around them was just drowned out and all he could hear was the obtrusive whirring in his head. Like a swarm of bees terrorizing his brain. And with that sound in his head making him dizzy and even more drunk than he actually was he felt Harry's lips touch his and with that his heart hammer in his chest like it was trying to get out of there and up into his mouth too. Of course the kiss they shared wasn't a real kiss with all the ice and water and now actual steam in their mouths but Nick still felt like he might faint any second because it was just too much. After more than half a year of forcing both him and Harry not to do this it was just too fucking much. There were too many feelings inside of him and too many sensations he was trying to capture and it was all too natural and comfortable at the same time. It was too much Nick&Harry. Nick thought this might be what drugaddicts would feel like after being clean for a while and then accidentally taking it again. He imagined this to be the rush they would be feeling when it all came crashing down again and they realized that they still couldn't live without that one thing they had tried to stay away from so hard.

Pulling him back to reality the steam in their mouths actually got too much as well and Harry pulled away just to immediately wind himself around Nick and laugh into the crook of his neck babbling complete nonsense no one could really hear. And again Nick thought _this is too much._ He was enjoying the sensation of Harry's hot breath hitting his skin too much and he was laughing too hard at the whole thing. This was too effortless and too much like before but he was also way too drunk and happy to care.

 

\- - -

 

 

Alright, yes. Nick was drunk. Very much so. But he wasn't even close to being as ridiculously shitfaced as Harry was clumsily stumbling out of the cab they had shared with Aimee. Once Nick had made sure that he was actually standing on both of his feet with no obstacles in his close vicinity he leaned back into the waiting car to kiss Aimee goodbye and hand her some money to pay the driver later.

“Bye, Aims. Get home safe.”

“Nick. Are you aware of what's going on here? Can I leave you two alone?” Still close to his ear she quietly mumbled the words so Harry who was right behind Nick didn't hear one of them and somehow Nick felt like they sobered him up all at once. Because of course he had been thinking the exact same thing all night long. Somewhere in the back of his head and now she had to go ahead and say it out loud. His normal reaction would probably have been to deny everything and make fun of her but he didn't manage to act that much right now because he exactly knew in how much trouble he was and that made even him incapable of joking about it.

“I don't know.” God, that had sounded whiny and pathetic in his head. But that was exactly what he was right now. Whiny and pathetic and not willing to make the decision he had to make.

“Just don't do anything you'll regret tomorrow, love.” She patted his hand one last time before falling back into the car seat. “Bye, Harry!” After nudging the door shut Nick watched the car drive off as Harry's husky _Bye Aimee_ floated through the cold air around them. And he turned around to look at the goofily swaying figure in front of him staring in his direction with big expecting eyes. Apparently the fresh cold air really worked wonders and not only Nick was sobering up because Harry had obviously gone from ecstatic child that didn't stop babbling away to pure and honest and quiet Harry just standing there watching Nick and waiting for the night to go on. Which was nice and all but really confused Nick. Because Harry never just stood in front of Nick's house waiting for whatever. Once they got out of the car he'd always just make his way to Nick's door like it was the most natural thing on earth because it kind of was. But now he was just standing there. Arms hanging down on both sides of his body which was slightly trembling because of the cold and the non existent jacket he had taken with him and all Nick could think of was to step forward and wrap his arms around him and warm him up because something inside his mind wasn't able to watch Harry being cold. Just like he couldn't watch him being lonely or sad or confused or angry or anything besides happy really.

“Can I borrow a jacket?” And now it slowly dawned on Nick because of course only Harry would think that way even when he was pissed off his mind and just made Nick's heart even heavier because he was just so fucking fond of that boy.

“What for? What are you-”

“To walk home. Kind of colder than I thought...I don't...I probably shouldn't be staying over, right? Like...we both know what...you know...already went too far with it.” He swore he could feel his bloody heart slowly breaking at the sight of Harry trying so hard not to shiver because of the cold and staring at his feet because he didn't know where to look and it was actual physical pain for him not to close the gap between them as they were still awkwardly standing there on the pavement in front of his door and it was all so fucking complicated and fucked up but also the easiest and most obvious thing Nick had ever decided on.

“Do you want to stay?”

“I.. Of course I want to stay...but...no... I .. no, I shouldn't. We shouldn't. I'm sorry, Nick. I'll just-”

“Shush.” He couldn't do this any longer. He couldn't just stand here and listen to Harry stammering out apologies and looking this sad. He couldn't and he didn't want to. It had been obvious what to do since the second Harry had picked him up in the morning and it was ridiculous and childish not to admit it because he wasn't going to be that person. He wasn't going to be stupid and let anything ruin all of this. He was going to listen to Aimee for once in his life and at least try to do things right. So he reached for his back pocket and grabbed his phone to take the call.

 


End file.
